so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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