After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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