I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
