I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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