I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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