somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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