I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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