I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
