When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
