At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
