Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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