I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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