our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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