Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
