her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
