dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
