My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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