I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
