i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
