Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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