drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
