Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
