if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
