how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
