this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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