then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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