im having a threesome with these popsicles
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
