I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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