he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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