Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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