Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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