People in love make me want to vomit
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
