I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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