If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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