So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
