I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
