I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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