It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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