I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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