I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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