My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
