I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
