don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
