A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
