can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
