i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
