I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
