that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
