Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize