Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
