I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
