M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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