I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
