You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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