My cat gives me a boner
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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