The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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