Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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