he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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