I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
