Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize