I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
