I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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