I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
