wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I am naked and annoyed.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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