Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
