Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
