There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
