I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
