I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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