her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
